In A Shocking Turn Of Events Calvin Harris Is Worse At Breakups Than Taylor Swift

Who would’ve seen this one coming? The 32 year old DJ handles breakups worse than the 26 year old girl who’s notoriously horrible at break-ups. STUNNER, to say the least. Just a regular Wednesday morning and Calvin Harris the adult is over here tweeting through his feelings like he had to leave algebra class because he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.

And I’m not even Team Taylor anymore, that’s been established. I’ve finally seen the light and think she’s a snakeoil salesman (I would say saleswoman but we know that’s not a word) trying to pass-off a popular, cool girl personality. I think she still writes and sings bangers, as evidenced by the fact that she wrote and sings on This Is What You Came For, which is like the hottest song of the summer, but I still hate her.

Nonetheless, grow the fuck up, Calvin. This whole “If you’re so happy why don’t you focus on HIM instead of trying to bring me down, because I will NOT allow this to get to me” is the AIM status you saw your girlfriend put up when you knew you finally did, in fact, get to her. Bad, bad look for an internationally renowned DJ. She’s not happy with him, dude. It’s fake. She wasn’t happy with you either. She has PR relationships and PR breakups and that’s that. Quit getting so worked up about it and be happy that when she dies alone in one of her many palatial estates her cats, who are oddly enough named after SVU cast members, will probably eat her. That’s how men handle break-ups, just keep envisioning the fact that they will absolutely be dead one day and take solace in that.

PS – Someone on Twitter asked me when guys stopped saying “fuck it” about relationships and it got me thinking about a world before social media and even phones. How AWESOME must that have been for guys and girls alike? When you broke up with someone, you effectively murdered them from your life. You were never tempted to drunk text, you never had your social media stalked, they were just GONE. Like your girlfriend could live three blocks away, you dump her at dinner and it’s very possible you just never see that girl ever again. What heaven. What a beautiful, blissful heaven that must have been.